I Own Coffee

*gurlygurl* says:

How do I ask for help if I'm not even sure that I want help? (Eating disorder question)?
First off, please no haters. This is hard enough as it is. I don’t need people telling me to get over myself and just eat. It’s not that simple. So please, only answer if you have good intentions…

So, I’m a 20 year old female and I’m relapsing back into my ED. I’m mostly a starver, but I will puke if I feel really guilty about what I ate. I know it’s not healthy. But there’s a sick part of me that just doesn’t care. Part of me doesn’t care that I could die. Because hey, at least I’ll die thin. And I actually get mad when people act concerned because I feel like they’re trying to keep me from being happy (which I feel I will be once I get thin). But then I feel guilty. Because my best friend told me that she is really scared that I could die. And every time I think about that, I think "ok. I’m done. I don’t want to hurt her." and I go on a binge. But then I feel guilty for binging and I either throw it up or eat less the next day. I only eat when I feel really dizzy. She can’t give me daily help because she lives in another state. The last time I asked my doctor about it she said that I wasn’t thin enough to be in the danger zone so she didn’t do anything about it. That was 3 years ago and my ED has been on and off since then (although it started when I was 13ish). I weigh MORE then I did the last time I talked to my doctor, so I’m pretty sure I’d get the same results. I try and consume less than 100 calories a day, but usually I have between 100-300 (including drinks like coffee, etc). If someone were to ask me how long I’m going to keep doing this, I’d probably answer "i’ll stop a minute before it’s too late". I am in Alcoholics Anonymous and there are 4 people there who know about my problem. One of them is my sponsor. But I feel like I can’t talk to her about it, because 1) she doesn’t understand what it’s like because she has never had an eating disorder, and 2) she is overweight so I feel terrible talking to her about how I think that I’m fat when I know she weighs more than me. When I do talk about it with her, I know it makes her feel bad because she’ll make comments like "when I see people like you talk about how fat they think they are, it makes me think ‘what do they think when they look at me? I must be a f*cking hippo!". But she doesn’t understand that when I look in the mirror, I SEE FAT. I feel like a hippo too, but she just doesn’t get it. And then the other 3 people I talk to have or have had an ED. But I don’t see them every day. I see them maybe 2-3 times a week at meetings, but that’s about it. I work Mon-Fri, and I see the same people pretty much every day. Only 2 girls work every day. One of them I don’t like, and they other I’m not that close with. I really like her, she’s a sweet girl, I’ve known her for 3ish years and we do talk occasionally. But I wonder if she would still talk to me if she knew I was a recovering alcoholic/addict and that I have an eating disorder. I’ve thought about asking her for help. Because every day the kids we work with are offered a snack, and the staff is allowed to have one too. I never do, because it’s always more calories than I want to have. But I’ve thought about asking her if she could make sure that I grab a snack even if I don’t want it and trying to make sure I don’t go to the bathroom after to puke it up. I did that last year with another staff member, but this year she only works 2 days a week so it wouldn’t work.
But I’m just worried. Because how do you tell someone that you’re basically a drunk/junkie/starve-a-holic? How do you ask for help when you’re not even sure you want to get better?? What makes it SO hard is that there is that part of me that does not want help. I don’t want to be made to eat. I want to get thin. But at the same time, I see a little bit of insanity here. I don’t like hurting people. If I got hospitalized, everyone would find out anyway, because I would lose my job for the time-being, and I would be cut off from the world until I got better. I want to ask her for help, but I can’t think of what to say, or how to say it. And I’m just so afraid that it will backfire, and she’ll think I’m a horrible person. But I’m not. I’m just a girl, who’s starving for perfection…
I also run 3-6 miles a day and do other excercises.

Lila says:

I can tell you that the issue is not starving for perfection. It is a control issue. For some reason as a child you felt that you had no control over anything. The way that you got control was this addiction. The control is that nobody can make you eat. It is a very dangerous addiction and eating 100 calories a day is not supplying your body organs and your heart the nutrients that they need. If you are in the US by law your employer cannot fire you if you have to be hospitalized. You are not a drunk you are in AA and you have your alcoholism under control. There is that word control again. If you had the strength and courage to stop drinking and take control of it. You can control with professional help your eating disorder. Your bones are going to be so brittle that they will break just by a bump because of the lack of calcium. I am so sorry for what you are going through but if you conquered one you can conquer another. There are is a number that you can call for support 24 hours a day 1-800-273-TALK.

Also the best help and support available is the site nami.org which is the site for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. On their site you can find the phone number for your local chapter. They are there for support, information and they have the best resources for the help that you need. It took great strength and courage to stop drinking and please use that same strength and courage to save your life. You are important and you are loved. Nobody would want you to suffer the way that you are. Please take care of yourself!
References :